Twelve Days

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  🎶 Sing along if you know the tune! 🎵


[this post in no way reflects real humans or events, I totally made it up and everyone is perfect]  




On the first day of Christmas my family sent to me… my kids having pancakes with me. 

So far, so good.


On the second day of Christmas my family sent to me…

my niece on my doorstep after maxing out two credit cards and a zippay account and she’s lost her job and can’t tell her mum so I cancel Christmas shopping so we can have a cup of tea and cut up her credit cards and plan how she’s going to get out of this mess.

… and my kids having pancakes with me.


On the third day of Christmas my family sent to me…

The dog, bored because he's not getting walked three times a day any more, leaps after a fly and smashes mum’s favourite Country Road salad bowl which she lent me for my birthday party. I get on the CR site and start looking up the cost of Express Shipping.

… two maxed out zippays

… and my kids having pancakes with me.


On the fourth day of Christmas my family sent to me…

my boyfriend takes me out to dinner and a show, tells me he’s actually polyamorous and also he has lots of leave over the holidays and reckons it will be great to have a bit of extra time to himself

…  a smashed salad bowl

... two maxed out zippays, 

... and my kids having pancakes with me.


On the fifth day of Christmas my family sent to me…

I CRACK THE SHITS and it’s early days

… one poly boyfriend, a smashed salad bowl, two maxed out cards and my kids having pancakes with me.


On the sixth day of Christmas my family sent to me…

my ex asks if the kids can be with him for xmas lunch and xmas dinner, as well as xmas eve, because there’s a new family event with his lovely new partner and her family, so can I just maybe do a really special short xmas brunch and they can head off at 11?

I CRACK THE SHITS

…one poly bloke, a smashed salad bowl, two maxed out cards and my kids having pancakes with me.


On the seventh day of Christmas my family sent to me…

my sister-in-law rings from London telling me she needs my help urgently because they’ve increased the bill for her furniture storage in Australia and they have a flat now so she needs me to get all her furniture out of storage and send it all over to her in London, preferably in the next two weeks…

... one pissed off ex

… I CRACK THE SHITS

… one poly bloke, a smashed salad bowl, two maxed out cards and my kids having pancakes with me.

On the eighth day of Christmas my family sent to me…

My nephew sends me a text saying he’s going to Xmas lunch in the country with his new housemates and could I tell his mum that he won’t make it to xmas lunch please thank you and doesn’t return messages until he’s on a verandah with a beer in his hand half way to Sydney. I don’t even try to talk to his mum today.

…a posh chick in London

...one delightful ex

I CRACK THE SHITS

… one poly bloke, a smashed salad bowl, two maxed out cards and my kids having pancakes with me.

 

On the ninth day of Christmas my family sent to me…

My sister gets us together to say she wants a Kris Kringle because she can’t be fucked buying stuff for ungrateful kids, it’s bad for the environment, and she’s sick of all the bogan shit from her husband’s side of the family. We agree to do a Kris Kringle, except we all agree we’ll give the kids presents, and we’ll still go go and get special things for immediate family, and for some reason this my sister still thinks there's a Kris Kringle so we're each allocated a  person and now I have to go out and get another present…

…one absconded nephew

... a posh bitch in London

...one pissed off ex 

I CRACK THE SHITS

… one poly bloke, a smashed salad bowl, two maxed out cards and my kids having pancakes with me.

 

On the tenth day of Xmas, my family sent to me… 

An auntie looks at me in my new dress and declares loudly “Oh darling, you look gorgeous!” then whispers “have you lost a bit of weight?”. To which I reply “I wouldn’t know – I haven’t had scales in the house since I recovered from the post-baby bulimia.”.

…one pretend kris kringle, one absconded nephew, a posh bitch in London, one pissed off ex

 I CRACK THE SHITS

… one poly bloke, a smashed salad bowl, two maxed out cards and my kids having pancakes with me.

 

On the eleventh day of Xmas, my family sent to me… 

My brother and his kid are supposed to stay with Mum on Xmas eve so she’s not lonely, so they arrange to pick up his kid from his in-laws  and drive back to Mum’s, only he forgot to put oil in the car and blows up the head gasket and gets stuck in the Dandenongs trying to find a mechanic on Xmas day with only the parents of his recently separated wife to help him. Mum calls to tell me xmas is ruined and I tell her we’ll be there in an hour and try not to think of chopped liver. Also her dog’s sick and she can’t find a vet. I give her the number of the emergency place, and also the number of a reverse mortgage broker to cover the fees.

…a body shaming auntie, one pretend kris kringle, one absconded nephew, a posh bitch in London, one pissed off ex,

I CRACK THE SHITS

… one poly bloke, a smashed salad bowl, two maxed out cards and my kids having pancakes with me.

 

On the twelfth day of Xmas, my family sent to me…

Everybody left is gathering and filling up their plates. The tree is stacked and the dog’s outside with a juicy bone. My niece turns up after drowning her sorrows the night before with an ex-boyfriend (who still had a job and bought the drinks), and she seems fine and really very jolly until about midday, when the alcohol starts wearing off and she stops eating, goes grey, and then pale khaki, and spends the next three hours hugging my toilet, and apologising for ruining Christmas and sobbing about her ex, as we rotate shifts holding hair, passing baby wipes and reassuring her that she hasn't ruined xmas. 

…a brother stuck in Selby, a body shaming auntie, a swapsie game kris kringle… a fight over the kris kringle… there’s not really a kris kringle so my sister feels cheap and drinks more Prosecco… a group reiki session… more warm Prosecco…

FIVE PLUM PUDDINGS (and I do not know how that happened)

several food comas, two more spews, a dog who ate the prawns…

And the kids and I had pavlova for tea.

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